(end chatter)b from gymnastics stole my damn haircut. the inverted spiky haircut. and makes
me want to do that again. it's been a month since i went to peppi right? thats
long enough. i cant take it anymore. its so damn boring. my hair i mean. ugh. it
just sits there, like a housewife. lol that's funny i cant believe i just said
that. but it does! it's so predictable. and homebound. it just sits on my head,
like it has nothing better to do than look boring. ok that wasn't very nice.
there are lots of housewives who arent boring. but if tosh and toon can pretend
to b racist and not mean it, then i can call my hairstyle a housewife. LOL what
the hell is wrong with me
why didn't peppi give me a mohawk? or dye my hair
red, or something? dammit. maybe I LOOK boring. and he judged by my boring look
that he should give me a boring hairdo. great. now i have to go out and get
pierced and tattooed, to get rid of my boring, normal image. i think im having a
midlife crisis. or a late 20's neurotic episode, as some would say. does it just
get worse, the closer you get to 30? i think i should be posting this
conversation with myself. it's kind of entertaining.but really, once we turn 30, do we just stop having neurotic
weirdness?? does it just magically disappear?? i have a hard time believing that
everyone over 30 doesnt have the weirdsies ever. ugh. whatever.
you know
and now 30 is like something i want to achieve. it's not scary at all to me i
totally can't wait. no, you know what i think this is what happens....
Okay. I don't think being over 30 makes you sane, necessarily, or know yourself completely, etc. I think maybe you just get it, like, "this is who i am, this is how it is." to an extent, anyway. 'cause i don't think you can EVER really just say this is who i am and how it is, completely....i think you don't really know, ever...see i am contradicting myself. i think there comes a point you just stop doing this:
(example of late 20's brain malfunction)
'oh my god i feel like THIS i better do something about it, and what do i do and what does it mean and what if i don't do anything and am i supposed to? and why do i feel like this, and how do i stop it, what if i don't want to stop it and am i supposed to stop it and oh my god now i feel like THIS and maybe i should just- wait, now i feel like this but what i just did, it was because i felt like that and now i don't but what do i do and how can i do nothing and who am i now, because now i feel like this. and that must mean something but maybe it means nothing well should it mean something? and if it does what do i do and what if i do something and it means nothing what if its something and i do nothing maybe i feel nothing oh my god i cant possibly feel nothing 'cause shouldn't i be feeling something, anything, quick feel something oh no, i feel like THAT again, i don't want to feel that but maybe i do and maybe i shouldn't and what's the point and can't i just feel nothing what do i do now i need to do something, i wanna feel nothing why did i want to feel something now i must not know myself, because i feel like this when before i felt like that, and i knew myself then but now i don't and what does it mean if i feel something and what does it mean....'
Maybe you just get tired. i got tired writing that neurotic episode, got even more tired when i re-read it (to make sure i captured the neurosis properly), and now, i just don't care.....and frankly, don't give a shit if i "feel something". I now want to feel nothing.
(PS. I don't think feeling nothing is what happens either. I don't think that's necessarily a better mode of operation. Sometimes it is, at certain points in your life it's an escape, but i think i would be quite disappointed to discover that the loss of neurosis at 30 is actually due to complete apathy because you're so sick of caring.)
Also: who's to say that suddenly, on April 2, 2009, at 5:35 pm I will suddenly say:
"Damn, am I sick of this neurosis. And besides, it expired just now. I'm 30. Yeeeee haw!"
As if there's not people out there who continue to be neurotic well after 30. (And im not talking about people on anti psychotics, or whatever. you know what i mean) Are there people who are under 30 who are not neurotic? I don't know. Good question. But would they even know they weren't neurotic, or were? If you asked me, oh say 7 or 8 years ago (20ish) if i was neurotic, i don't think i would have the same awareness of it that I do now. And now, I'm waaaaaay less neurotic...ah the irony....so.....my point is, I wouldn't have recognized me in that little example of neurosis I posted above when i was 20ish. so if you asked people in their late teens/early 20's if they felt they were neurotic, would they even have an understanding about it? or just think they weren't neurotic, and not see it for what it really was until they were older?
I don't know about the age thing. It's probably just how you set it up. Like if i expect to stop being so neurotic at 30, i will.
I do wonder, though. Is it just finally getting tired of caring? Like one day you are just able to say, I feel what I feel, and make choices that aren't based on schizo, emotionally driven complicated messes? If i feel like eating grapes today, i don't need to worry about what my liking grapes might mean, oh, the torture of it all?? Is it about not being so wrapped up in what your feelings might mean? is that even it?
I was going to give an example of what happens when you "grow out" of the whole thing. But now, I'm not so sure I understand it. (See, i thought about it too long....and made it neurotic...great)
OK.
If this is all about finally saying, this is who i am, this is how it is, then my question is:
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, and IT IS HOW IT IS??
I can't quite get it. And maybe that's just proof of the fact that:
It is not April 2nd, 2009,
and i will be profoundly filled with the answer at that time, standby for 2 more years......
(warning: next paragraph, i got a little grumpy)
Okay. This is who I am, this is how it is. Fine. This is how i feel. Just let it be? Observe the feeling. Do not wrap it in neurosis. Let it go. Okay, tell me, what the fuck are you supposed to feel shit for? Nothing? why the fuck do we even feel then? if it indicates nothing. How did you figure out who you were, without feeling whatever it is you were feeling to get you to where you are?
what the hell does it indicate? if i'm wearing a green shirt, and i like the red one over there, and want it, why do i want it? for torture's sake? what is my "feeling" telling me, if nothing....is that the ego's bullshit? what is the f'n point, if i'm just gonna choose (choices, remember?) to keep the green one on, cause, well, i'm already wearing it, and whatever? nevermind that, someone else is already wearing the f'n red one anyway! so who cares! and i bet the red one won't fit anyway, ha ha, and i think it says something stupid on it.....logic will tell you not to feel something, and feeling something will tell you to fuck logic.....and i don't know which side logic is on, and which side feeling is on, in fact i don't think either of them are even playing the same game as us......
And apparently, your newfound non-neurosis at 30 will erase the entire debate from your being, and you will not look back nor will you even flinch! And you will just get it. Okay, i'm ready. Come and get me, 30.
this ties into being the "watcher" of your thoughts....you are supposed to detach from them...so...then how do you know who the hell you are, or how it is, when you're over there, not really BEING who you are or experiencing how it is...you're just....watching yourself make STUPID CHOICES!!! (maybe..)
maybe it's about not questioning your choices. (you just make 'em, and shut up??)
that can't be it.....but is that the secret...or is there a secret.....
or you just don't make something out of nothing....but this goes back to....what makes something nothing? really. i totally see both sides of this. i think it's because i use both sides of my brain, or so Brain Age says....dammit....
or you just don't make options out of neurosis. does anyone get that? it's like, fuck i really wanted to buy that shirt. but i didn't, and that's it. no pain. let it go. and the shirt was actually something you would have never worn, so you are making a big deal out of what? nooooooothing. you felt like it was THE BEST SHIRT EVER, however, and here we go about the feeling thing. why. what's the point. especially if you can't even TRUST them. ah- maybe i am getting to something here.....
...this is where the detachment thing comes in, because if you do that, you see clearly. you have an inkling what your actions/choices might bring, as opposed to laying face down in the "feelings" (or more accurately, the neurosis we surround them with) where you can't see an F'N thing and are just "being".
but isn't this all about the "moment"??
i do agree with that too, but not to the point where you are just basically crazy, acting on whatever the hell you feel. how many times have i been in a crystal and glassware shop and oh so desperately wanted to absolutely demolish everything in it? TONS. and in that moment, there was nothing i wanted more. so. should i have done that? cause it was the moment? where do you draw that line?
WHO THE HELL CARES.
see, and i didn't have to wait two years for that gem of wisdom......
i need a drink. (or 5)
(what should i pierce, by the way...lol)
*phew* end of rant.....i feel so FREE now!!
neurotic, neurosis, age, the moment, emotions
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