MAYBE TOMORROW

Ech...I had to......Been in my head for 3 days....Now I pass it on to you.

There's a voice, that keeps on calling me.
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend.
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down.

Until tomorrow, I'll just keep movin' on.

So if you want to join me for a while,

Just grab your hat, we'll travel light,

that's hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down.

Until tomorrow, I'll just keep movin' on.

Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home.

p.s. I fuckin' hate html!

The Littlest Hobo, theme song, 80's TV show, The Littlest Hobo lyrics

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

Because I haven't come up with any good thoughts or ideas to post, It occurred to me that I might as well ask the universe what it wanted me to stick on here. And, as we know, one of the best ways to get an answer is to flip open a book (like a previous post). This was taken from Gary Zukav's "The Heart of the Soul-Emotional Awareness"


"The circumstances of your life always reflect the needs of your soul.
There is no exception to this rule, no maybe or if. The power and beauty of a life in the Earth school is the continual encounter with precisely what your soul desires you to encounter. When you resist that, you resist the purpose of your life. You resist the beneficent Universe. You resist your nonphysical guidance and assistance. That is your pain."

"You continually encounter

what your

soul

wants you to encounter.

When you resist

your encounters

you resist

1. The purpose of your life.

2. The beneficence of the Universe.

3. Nonphysical assistance.

AND

That resistance

is

your

pain."

"When you begin to open yourself to the experiences of your pain--to the reality that the child you loved so dearly is dead, that the job you depended on is gone, that the partner you loved has left, that you have been abused and your abuser feels no remorse--you begin to transform your life. You become less rigid and less righteous. You also become more vulnerable and accepting of others and their pain. You begin to melt into the tenderness of the Universe. Before you can do that, you must breach the defenses you have created to keep you from your emotions."

I just wrote the whole damn page. hh. It was tempting to write out the whole book, but not very practical. So I will just lend it, if anyone is interested. I would rank Gary Zukav right up there with Seth, Dr. W. Dyer, and the guy who wrote "The Power of Now". All very insightful, wise, and excellent reads.

Gary Zukav, Heart of the Soul, emotional awareness, soul

i'm drunk, but still.....

here it is...the first poem i've written in probably two years at least....i have no idea why now is the time, or what the hell it means....
just had an urge to post it

satisfy

rampant inspired wicked desire
is not even what i feel
damn this i want to be tortured it seems by unprecedented insanity
i want not i waste not, i taste, i run dry amidst uninhibited lies
sit in amicable places feeling broken, waiting for unspoken bullshit

and the way it is glares out at me like a fuckin' troll
the way it has been makes how it is

does life make sense, when you take what it's been
and roll it into again and again?

if a crow flies east, does it know about south

if a girl draws lines, does she leave stuff out

if sticks ignite flame, then what,
don't consider the heat?

rampant inspired wicked desire
is so much easier to satisfy
than
what it is

i know the insane nature of my emotion

question black
or not...
pay for what you got
a bittersweet taste i would not turn away

although it's so gray
and unforgiving


stasia
january 25/07
2:20 am

poem, poetry, desire, bittersweet

happy birthday to toon

Have a great day Toonsis!

"An idea not coupled with action will never yet get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied"

Birthday Rune of your day: Uruz

Without ears to hear and eyes to see, you may fail to take advantage of the moment.

Embrace new growth and experiences.

Do not draw back from the passage into darkness: When in deep water, become a diver.

birthday, runes

mmmm

Fuckin yummmm....

that is all i have to say....

Orlando Bloom, yummy, sexy

meaning from a book....

When you randomly open a book to a certain page, it apparently holds the answer to your questions at the time. I opened it to a poem.

One night he heard you singing
Of love and hope and joy
Drew near to see if you could want
Another little boy

He wants to comfort you in time of fear
And to soothe your pain
But you cannot take his comfort
For you never knew he came

You never knew, when angry
When your voice was shrill to hear
With your fury and frustration
That a little child stood near

Make no mistake, you drove him out
His love you did deny
Too full of selfish pitying
Yet still he is nearby

Why don't you see the joy you miss
He comes to show to you
Through you he looks out on the world
Should he be bitter too?

He needs to give his love to you
As much as you to him
So find yourself, and find your joy
And welcome him back in

Now every time you feel your pain
Each time you shed a tear
Don't miss what really matters
For a little child stands near

Patricia Mason

poem, Patricia Mason, stichomancy, divination, love, child

hey, don't blame me for this, i'm only 27

I'll begin this with the chatter i was typing that inspired me to just post, already:

b from gymnastics stole my damn haircut. the inverted spiky haircut. and makes
me want to do that again. it's been a month since i went to peppi right? thats
long enough. i cant take it anymore. its so damn boring. my hair i mean. ugh. it
just sits there, like a housewife. lol that's funny i cant believe i just said
that. but it does! it's so predictable. and homebound. it just sits on my head,
like it has nothing better to do than look boring. ok that wasn't very nice.
there are lots of housewives who arent boring. but if tosh and toon can pretend
to b racist and not mean it, then i can call my hairstyle a housewife. LOL what
the hell is wrong with me
why didn't peppi give me a mohawk? or dye my hair
red, or something? dammit. maybe I LOOK boring. and he judged by my boring look
that he should give me a boring hairdo. great. now i have to go out and get
pierced and tattooed, to get rid of my boring, normal image. i think im having a
midlife crisis. or a late 20's neurotic episode, as some would say. does it just
get worse, the closer you get to 30? i think i should be posting this
conversation with myself. it's kind of entertaining.

but really, once we turn 30, do we just stop having neurotic
weirdness?? does it just magically disappear?? i have a hard time believing that
everyone over 30 doesnt have the weirdsies ever. ugh. whatever.

you know
and now 30 is like something i want to achieve. it's not scary at all to me i
totally can't wait. no, you know what i think this is what happens....

(end chatter)
Okay. I don't think being over 30 makes you sane, necessarily, or know yourself completely, etc. I think maybe you just get it, like, "this is who i am, this is how it is." to an extent, anyway. 'cause i don't think you can EVER really just say this is who i am and how it is, completely....i think you don't really know, ever...see i am contradicting myself. i think there comes a point you just stop doing this:

(example of late 20's brain malfunction)
'oh my god i feel like THIS i better do something about it, and what do i do and what does it mean and what if i don't do anything and am i supposed to? and why do i feel like this, and how do i stop it, what if i don't want to stop it and am i supposed to stop it and oh my god now i feel like THIS and maybe i should just- wait, now i feel like this but what i just did, it was because i felt like that and now i don't but what do i do and how can i do nothing and who am i now, because now i feel like this. and that must mean something but maybe it means nothing well should it mean something? and if it does what do i do and what if i do something and it means nothing what if its something and i do nothing maybe i feel nothing oh my god i cant possibly feel nothing 'cause shouldn't i be feeling something, anything, quick feel something oh no, i feel like THAT again, i don't want to feel that but maybe i do and maybe i shouldn't and what's the point and can't i just feel nothing what do i do now i need to do something, i wanna feel nothing why did i want to feel something now i must not know myself, because i feel like this when before i felt like that, and i knew myself then but now i don't and what does it mean if i feel something and what does it mean....'


Maybe you just get tired. i got tired writing that neurotic episode, got even more tired when i re-read it (to make sure i captured the neurosis properly), and now, i just don't care.....and frankly, don't give a shit if i "feel something". I now want to feel nothing.

(PS. I don't think feeling nothing is what happens either. I don't think that's necessarily a better mode of operation. Sometimes it is, at certain points in your life it's an escape, but i think i would be quite disappointed to discover that the loss of neurosis at 30 is actually due to complete apathy because you're so sick of caring.)


Also: who's to say that suddenly, on April 2, 2009, at 5:35 pm I will suddenly say:

"Damn, am I sick of this neurosis. And besides, it expired just now. I'm 30. Yeeeee haw!"

As if there's not people out there who continue to be neurotic well after 30. (And im not talking about people on anti psychotics, or whatever. you know what i mean) Are there people who are under 30 who are not neurotic? I don't know. Good question. But would they even know they weren't neurotic, or were? If you asked me, oh say 7 or 8 years ago (20ish) if i was neurotic, i don't think i would have the same awareness of it that I do now. And now, I'm waaaaaay less neurotic...ah the irony....so.....my point is, I wouldn't have recognized me in that little example of neurosis I posted above when i was 20ish. so if you asked people in their late teens/early 20's if they felt they were neurotic, would they even have an understanding about it? or just think they weren't neurotic, and not see it for what it really was until they were older?

I don't know about the age thing. It's probably just how you set it up. Like if i expect to stop being so neurotic at 30, i will.

I do wonder, though. Is it just finally getting tired of caring? Like one day you are just able to say, I feel what I feel, and make choices that aren't based on schizo, emotionally driven complicated messes? If i feel like eating grapes today, i don't need to worry about what my liking grapes might mean, oh, the torture of it all?? Is it about not being so wrapped up in what your feelings might mean? is that even it?

I was going to give an example of what happens when you "grow out" of the whole thing. But now, I'm not so sure I understand it. (See, i thought about it too long....and made it neurotic...great)


OK.
If this is all about finally saying, this is who i am, this is how it is, then my question is:
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, and IT IS HOW IT IS??
I can't quite get it. And maybe that's just proof of the fact that:
It is not April 2nd, 2009,
and i will be profoundly filled with the answer at that time, standby for 2 more years......

(warning: next paragraph, i got a little grumpy)

Okay. This is who I am, this is how it is. Fine. This is how i feel. Just let it be? Observe the feeling. Do not wrap it in neurosis. Let it go. Okay, tell me, what the fuck are you supposed to feel shit for? Nothing? why the fuck do we even feel then? if it indicates nothing. How did you figure out who you were, without feeling whatever it is you were feeling to get you to where you are?
what the hell does it indicate? if i'm wearing a green shirt, and i like the red one over there, and want it, why do i want it? for torture's sake? what is my "feeling" telling me, if nothing....is that the ego's bullshit? what is the f'n point, if i'm just gonna choose (choices, remember?) to keep the green one on, cause, well, i'm already wearing it, and whatever? nevermind that, someone else is already wearing the f'n red one anyway! so who cares! and i bet the red one won't fit anyway, ha ha, and i think it says something stupid on it.....logic will tell you not to feel something, and feeling something will tell you to fuck logic.....and i don't know which side logic is on, and which side feeling is on, in fact i don't think either of them are even playing the same game as us......

And apparently, your newfound non-neurosis at 30 will erase the entire debate from your being, and you will not look back nor will you even flinch! And you will just get it. Okay, i'm ready. Come and get me, 30.

this ties into being the "watcher" of your thoughts....you are supposed to detach from them...so...then how do you know who the hell you are, or how it is, when you're over there, not really BEING who you are or experiencing how it is...you're just....watching yourself make STUPID CHOICES!!! (maybe..)

maybe it's about not questioning your choices. (you just make 'em, and shut up??)
that can't be it.....but is that the secret...or is there a secret.....

or you just don't make something out of nothing....but this goes back to....what makes something nothing? really. i totally see both sides of this. i think it's because i use both sides of my brain, or so Brain Age says....dammit....
or you just don't make options out of neurosis. does anyone get that? it's like, fuck i really wanted to buy that shirt. but i didn't, and that's it. no pain. let it go. and the shirt was actually something you would have never worn, so you are making a big deal out of what? nooooooothing. you felt like it was THE BEST SHIRT EVER, however, and here we go about the feeling thing. why. what's the point. especially if you can't even TRUST them. ah- maybe i am getting to something here.....

...this is where the detachment thing comes in, because if you do that, you see clearly. you have an inkling what your actions/choices might bring, as opposed to laying face down in the "feelings" (or more accurately, the neurosis we surround them with) where you can't see an F'N thing and are just "being".

but isn't this all about the "moment"??
i do agree with that too, but not to the point where you are just basically crazy, acting on whatever the hell you feel. how many times have i been in a crystal and glassware shop and oh so desperately wanted to absolutely demolish everything in it? TONS. and in that moment, there was nothing i wanted more. so. should i have done that? cause it was the moment? where do you draw that line?

WHO THE HELL CARES.

see, and i didn't have to wait two years for that gem of wisdom......

i need a drink. (or 5)

(what should i pierce, by the way...lol)

*phew* end of rant.....i feel so FREE now!!

neurotic, neurosis, age, the moment, emotions

something strange this way comes....

A strange end to my day.....

Near the end of the day a guy walked into the store. I was too busy smoking in the bathroom to ask if he needed any help, so of course, e went to go help him. I heard him telling e that he had purchased some flooring over a year ago and was hoping to get some more. Unfortunately, the dude could not remember what brand, what mm, what color...nothing of the sort. This is a typical customer. One who wants to purchase the same flooring but has absolutely no clue which one he had. After I finished my smoke and threw it into the toilet, I walked out of the bathroom smelling like the boy's room back in the day. As soon as I got near the dude, my mouth just opened and out popped the words.."character maple 12mm". He turned and looked at me and said, "Hey yeah! That's the one! How did you know?"

Now that is a good question. I have no idea where the words came from. How did I know? I have no clue. Very strange.

Then a few minutes later, I was packing my things (yarn and such) into my bag. As I went to stand back up I smashed my head super duper hard against the damn counter. Not so strange.

It seems as though I have this unconscious urge to send myself into a coma.

When I got home I had to, of course, turn on my computer. It is a very important ritual that I do not break. I had a message that someone wanted to be my friend on myspace. Yay, another friend. Only this time, she had also left me a message in my email box. She is a knitter and wanted to share her knitting history with me. How nice! I was thinking that it was pretty cool to make a new friend that has been knitting for over 40 years. After I accepted her invitation and read her email, I decided that I should probably have a look at her profile to see what she was about. Low and behold...to my amazement, she is cooler than I had thought. Her page is covered in nothing but gorgeous pictures of fairies. I went on to read her profile and found that she is a strong believer in the supernatural and converses with spirits. Now how cool is that? A knitter who talks to spririts and loves fairies!

Now, I do not believe in coincidences, so of course, everything happens for a reason. There is a reason for knowing the floor the dude wanted, there is a reason I bonked my head, and there is a reason why this woman contacted me.

Now, I can only reason that I must have to bonk my head once again, put myself into a temporary coma, in order to see the fairies and spirits that obviously have something to share with me.

intuition, fairies, spirits, coincidence